Like nearly 7 million strap-hangers in Gotham, I ride the subway. Often. To and from work when I work where I work in Manhattan on workdays. Now, I’ve always had a hard time riding the subway—it’s small, it’s crowded, it’s dirty, it smells, it’s usually off, or slow, or the F is following the A/C route when that is NOWHERE NEAR WHERE THE F TRAIN FUCKING GOES.
And so, every day becomes a new battle on the Moving Toilet. Especially of late—last week alone I saw some guy clipping his fingernails and another old dude sucking down a bowl of sloppy Chinese noodles on the rush-hour ride home. Assholes!
And then, I have a Deepak Chopra moment. Maybe all these assholes who I think are assholes think I’m an asshole. Or some such bullshit. The bottom line is everybody can be an asshole, even I, your lowly author of this lowly blog. The question is: What kind of asshole are you?
Take this superfun, fantasic, happy-hour quiz to find out!
1. You’re having a public meltdown. Which tactic are you most likely to take?
a. Put your arms in the air and start screaming, “You’re limiting me! You’re limiting me!”
b. Wave a machete around on a rooftop.
c. Drive over several publicists and socialists waiting outside a Hamptons’ hotspot.
d. You wreck your luxury SUV in your own front yard.
2. What’s your go-to weekend outfit?
a. Skinny jeans, flannel shirt, beard—all unwashed.
b. A Dolce & Gabbana shirt, coke mirror.
c. A matching pink velour track suit.
d. Golf clothes.
3. What kind of money most appeals to you?
a. Old money. Goddammit, your parents owe you.
b. New Money. Goddammit, you earned it your way and you will still get it your way.
c. Gold-digger money. You sucked plenty of 60-year-old man balls and you’re not afraid to show it.
d. Endorsement money. If someone, somewhere isn’t pitching you on you, you ain’t having it.
4. You’re partying tonight! Where ya going?
a. Brooklyn/Portland/Austin/Your Mom’s Basement
b. Somewhere in a red booth, in a VIP room, behind velvet curtains with my own personal porn stars, strippers, bottle service and a kilo.
c. Some horrible Bobby Flay venture that just opened in a suburban strip mall.
d. Somewhere in a red booth, in a VIP room, behind velvet curtains with my own personal porn stars, strippers, bottle service and my cell phones to load up with their numbers and inappropriate texts.
5. What do you drive?
a. A rebuilt vintage Schwinn roadbike that I rebuilt from parts I purchased on Craiglist.
b. I don’t. People, trolls, drive me. Then they go home to their ugly troll wives in their little houses.
c. A Mercedes with personalized license plates. Or a Land Rover if I have to pick up my brats from soccer practice.
d. An SUV with a dinged-up Carfax report.
6. It’s time to get away—where you going?
a. I refuse to fly because I don’t want to increase my carbon footprint and feed the oil companies (This is what I tell people. I really only make $18K a year and can’t afford it).
b. The Bahamas. With my ex-wife, porn star and nanny.
c. Scottsdale, Ariz.
d. Scottsdale, Ariz.
7. You’ve been caught fucking up big time. Who do you blame?
a. My ex-girlfriend.
b. My ex-wife.
c. My ex-husband.
d. My parents.
8. How do you deal with your asshole-dom when you deal with it?
a. I listen to butt-rock ironically and play ping-pong dead-seriously.
b. I overshare. Everywhere. All over the Internets.
c. Drink huge glasses of white wine and head to Barney’s.
d. Golf. Usually internationally.
9. What kind of pet do you own?
a. A ferret because I am deep and unconventional.
b. I killed all my pets.
c. A teeny-tiny chia-pet of a dog—come on!
d. Pets are dirty and require daily exchanges of emotion.
10. Are you on ‘Glee’?
Mostly A’s: You, my friend, are a dirty, dirty hipster, one of the lowliest creatures plaguing cities where the literacy rate hovers around 80 percent and all your friends take shifts at the local Food Co-Op. You probably have herpes, which you gladly spread around because condoms are “so ’80s,” you tend bar for your buddy from time to time to make cash when you’re not working on your “art,” and you have 10-minute discussions with your friends about maintaining and grooming your beard even though you haven’t changed your underwear in three days.
Mostly B’s: I think you know where you’re headed here.
Mostly C’s: You’ve had fake boobs since you were old enough to drive, your first husband left you with two kids and $2 million, and you are currently designing a line of handbags. Congratulations, you are a Real Housewife of the OC!
Mostly D’s: Elin is getting a shit-ton of your money!
“Glee”: If you answered yes, you wasted your time taking the quiz. You are, indeed, an asshole.