‘What I Know for Sure…’

Now if you’ve been reading the EM site for a while now, you now know that I love’s me some O Magazine, the magazine by Oprah, for Oprah, featuring Oprah.

Live your best life, dammit.

Things that make this magazine great:

1. Despite any misconceptions, its feel-good atmosphere is not gimmicky or over-the-top or too high to aspire to. Oprah keeps it real and grounded and most of the advice is from very smart people who know what they’re talking about: Suze Orman, Dr. Oz, etc. I’ll leave that Dr. Phil to his own devices, but damnit, if I don’t agree with that dork’s advice, too.

2. Articles are written by real writers, mostly female writers, who command respect for their thoughtful prose. It doesn’t talk down to women, or belittle them, or make them think that they have only two things to wish for in life: A) A Man or B) To lose weight or change their looks somehow. In fact, O is all about embracing your spirit and that means embracing your goddamn self all the time, whether you like it or not.

3. Recommendations are reasonable—everything, again, tends to be fairly priced, not tacky, and within reach. Recipes are delicious and healthy.

4. It’s empowering. Really. Every month features people, mostly women, who have changed their lives for the better. It is about being accountable, proactive and making shit happen through mostly hard work, positive attitude and determination. No quick fixes or magic potions here, like “10 Steps to Sexier Sex in a Week” or “Flat Abs in a Month!” O says fuck that, and to that, I say amen.

5. It’s like a little piece of thoughtful meditation on bettering yourself and your life…and you know I also love’s me some self-help books. I just can’t help it, reading it is like a bunch of little fingers are pleasantly massaging my brain.

If you read O, you know that Oprah ends each issue with a little note called “What I Know for Sure.” And so, I thought I’d compile a list of 10 Things I Know For Sure, the Evil Molly Edition:

  1. Being around water feels good. And, according to my last issue of O, there’s scientific research to back this up. Apparently some ocean molecules, electro-static-y goodness fills the air, making us feel better, and has restorative healing powers. There’s a reason man has always gravitated toward the sea. Grab a towel and go swimming already!
  1. Yoga and meditation are not worthless hippy pursuits. If you do these practices consistently, you will feel an overall improvement to life—your physical self, your mental self, your concentration and ability to stay calm and problem solve.
  1. Be nice to yourself. If you’re not nice to you, who will be? Lead by example. That means eating good food, drinking lots of water, etc. Don’t do stuff to yourself that you wouldn’t want to see friends doing to themselves.
  1. Temporary “fixes” become torturous mountains eventually. If you find yourself reaching for a quick fix upon a stressful day (i.e. booze, pills, cupcakes, etc.) you’re digging yourself a hole. Better to get out now than later.
  1. This, too, shall pass. Almost nothing is as bad as it first seems. Life goes on. People forget. Remember that.
  1. Physical items are just that: Items. You can love something, like a car or book or pair of shoes, but remember, it’s just a thing. Not a person.
  1. Get outside more. Humans were not meant to sit inside all day long. Go ahead, converse with nature. See some shit.
  1. Make it a goal to meet more people and do things outside your comfort zone. This is the only space where any new learnings can come from.
  1. Don’t let people get away with bad behavior or taking advantage of you. I was raised to be a good, quiet girl, as I think most women are. And the “reward” to all this was that people would recognize what a sweet, hard worker and/or person you were and would reward you appropriately. What a bullshit concept cooked up by some man. This doesn’t happen in real life. You need to politely yet persistently speak your mind—and stand up for yourself constantly—even if you run the chance of being shot down or told off. As the old adage goes, if you don’t ask, you won’t receive. Oh, and red flags are red flags for a reason. Please do not ignore. On the flipside, if you mess up or wrong someone, own it, apologize and mean it like an adult.
  1. Everyone who is worth a shit has a few enemies floating around. Does it bother you when your FB friends’ status goes down? If someone refuses to come to your party? If so-and-so thinks your idea sucks? Who cares? Realizing that not everyone has to like you is pretty liberating.

Now go forth this pre-Solstice weekend and make good. Oh, and take a nap already. That helps everything feel better, too.

10 Things Steven Tyler Ruined For Me

OK, OK, he butchered the national anthem last weekend before the Patriots/Ravens game, but Steven Tyler has been mucking up a lot of bizness for everyone for quite a while.

All that said, as he rambled up to the song’s albeit gritty, screeching climax, lest we forget that most rock singers really can’t sing to begin with…to sound remotely good they typically rely on their sideman’s ax (cue Joe Perry), an extravagant light show and the fact that their middle-aged audience has been pounding Jager bombs since the babysitter showed up.

This is what Insane Clown Posse fans grow up to be.

Also, Tyler is on another little shitshow we like to call “American Idol,” which also launched last week, squashing the hopes and dreams of thousands of mediocre to completely untalented teens who think that this may be a real career path for them, can I get a ‘Mer-Kuh, fuck yeah?

Here’s a quick recap of 10 things that Steven Tyler has ruined for me:

1. Last month, “O” the Oprah Mag, featured a very special interview with Oprah and Tyler. In it, the two strolled hand in hand next to his home in the New Hampshire woods, talking about drugs, getting off drugs, being bored, being bored on the road, finding redemption, and getting on “A.I.” Thanks for ruining my February issue of “O.” I was looking forward to another 3,000 word cliched expose on finding my true spirit, not a print recap of your “Behind the Music” special.

I am always amazed when worlds collide like this, like Stephen Hawking meeting Pamela Anderson, or Bill Gates having coffee with a Kardashian.

2.Once upon a time, before I started developing decent taste in music, there was a land. A land next to Omaha, Neb., where Aerosmith was a-coming to town with Jackyl (remember those idiots with a chainsaw?) opening. I had to go. It was the concert experience of the season!

And so, we purchased our tickets with our meager minimum-wage salaries, and I duly requested the night off work weeks in advance of the protocol. Even though I was attending school full-time and pretty much pulling close to 35-40 hours per week in work, my manager gave me shit about this. I had to swallow a ton of shit, in fact. For one lousy night off, I had to hear about my uppity need to go see Aerosmith. “Ooo, I guess someone has no work ethic…instead they need to go see Aerosmith..” And on and on this went.

I thought, this better be one hell of a fucking show.

No matter. A small amount of shit to take from a small-town, SuperValu cokehead, non-deoderant-wearing manager is a tiny sacrifice to go see the rock ‘n’ roll. We drove to Omaha. We sat up in the nosebleeds. We pretended to like the Jackyl guy swinging his chain saw around. Then Aerosmith came on. It was Ok. The End.

Which was probably one of my first lessons in overhyped, expensive, shit-eating things that you are told will be the Ultimate Experience Ever (see also Disney World; Nascar events; Super Bowl) you will want to do, and when you get there, you realize that you really need not ever do that again, a la David Foster Wallace style.

3. Dodge Truck Commercials (see No. 4).

4. Steven Tyler ruined Vegas Whores for me. Years later, I was reviewing the Aerosmith show in Las Vegas. Now this was some sort of re-re-invented Aerosmith. You know, past the drugged-out, spacy ’70s, past the whole Run D.M.C. ’80s resurrection, past the ’90s party jams for dumb boys resurrection. You know. Resurrected.

The entire show, I shit you not, was a commercial for Dodge trucks. Aerosmith signed some big sponsorship deal, and although I’d seen Microsoft banners and the like plastered all over the backstage at Rolling Stones, etc., never before had I seen the commercial become the actual concert. Dodge was everywhere, dripping from the ceiling, dripping from the stage. At one point, Aerosmith even busted out the song they wrote specially for a Dodge commercial while the ACTUAL DODGE COMMERCIAL played on a large screen behind them.

But the worst? The gave out these little glowy red keychains with the Dodge insignia on them and people were fighting tooth and nail to get a hold of them… the bathroom was a frenzied scene of botoxed Orange Co. moms and former strippers scraping their two-inch talons toward one another to grasp them. Women who were once enthralled to score some free stale coke and a nearly expired condom in the bathroom were now clamoring for Dodge glow-in-the-dark keychains. It was one of the saddest things I’ve ever seen in my life.

Also a testament to how easy it is to dazzle the idiot eye of American consumers.

5. Scarves.

6. Liv Tyler. I think I could have possibly enjoyed you somewhat as an actor-thingy. But your dad’s molesty-type use of you in his rock videos put the kabosh on all that.

Two careers jettisoned by a creepy old man's idea of a roadtrip. RIP Alicia Silverstone's career.

7. Run D.M.C. (Just kidding! Nothing will ruin “It’s Tricky” for me. Nothing!)

8. My dream of becoming a grayed-out, drugged-up version of a crazy old rich person. Yep, you’ve ruined that completely for the rest of us.

9. Man boobs. Man boobs on fat bloke? Pure comedy. Man boobs on scrawny bloke? Tragedy.

His boobs are definitely not awesome.

10. Love in an elevator. You just try doing it now without hearing that song in your head.

What to do? What to do? But count my BK commercial monies?