Hooray for a return to common sense

I know, I kid, I joke around, I write lists of stupid things to do to stave off boredom during a natural disaster. As a former New Yorker, watching the devastation of Hurricane Sandy on the region–let alone hearing the stories of my friends and their families suffering through the aftermath–has made me really recognize that, wow, what the important shit in life is.

And one thing this week has brought about is a return to common sense. It saddens me to say this, but a few of the last times we had a return to common sense, i.e. people put aside a lot of their petty shit to work on big-picture items, happened during 9/11 and Hurricane Katrina. Does it really take a disaster of these proportions to start making sense of a lot of bullshit? Maybe so.

In any case, may I write a serious post about a serious salute to a return to sanity. Here goes?

1. New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg endorses Barack Obama for president–largely based on acknowledging and working on programs about climate change. If you’re still one of those idiots out there wearing a windbreaker in fucking January in Iowa and bragging at your local store, “Global warming, my ass!” you are truly a fucking idiot out wandering around. It’s time to acknowledge that we’re heating the pad up, folks. And we need to figure out how to open a few windows. (And thanks to Jen W. for this awesome true story.)

2. Speaking of awesome Bloombergian acts of awesomeness this week, the Bloomberg-owned BusinessWeek today had this story.

It's global warming, stupid. BusinessWeek said that. Not me.

3. I am not a fan of New Jersey Republican Gov. Chris Christie, but damn if he doesn’t embody the New Jersey spirit of getting shit done. And his putting shit aside and being cool with Obama? Class act.

4. FEMA is actually working. It’s actually working! Somewhere, Michael Brown is cringing.

5. And one thing that doesn’t smack of common sense one bit. In fact, this is the anti-common sense. And if you don’t see this as a complete and utter lack of common sense, or compassion, or being able to empathize with people in times of need who don’t have, as Bill Mayer put it during Hurricane Katrina, several cases of Poland Springs bottled water to throw in the back of their Land Rover to make it out of a hurricane zone, this is it: Mitt Romney basically collecting a bunch of worthless shit to make his campaign look better after the hurricane hit the Eastern Seaboard. No, Mitt, we don’t need your used T-shirts and sweatpants and canned fucking Campbell’s soup. These Americans need real help. But thanks for trying.

Vote, kids! And vote right.

11 things I would totally like to do during a hurricane…

Ok, so I’m no longer on the East Coast, but while I lived there, I definitely harbored huge Escape From New York fantasies, in other words, what to do when the shit hit the fan.

My favorite involved a version of Grand Theft Auto, in which I would punch a soccer mom at a Park Slope stoplight, steal her station wagon, then go bee-bopping through the neighborhoods, sipping whiskey and smoking as I listened to Guns n’ Roses’ ‘Appetite for Destruction,’ only to finally crash into Prospect Park for The End!

I was never going to sit in traffic in the Holland Tunnel, let’s just put it that way.

And so, now I’ve missed three natural disasters since I’ve left NYC: Three! Hurricane Sandy has made me a little nostalgic for all that hardened NYC survival shit. So here goes, 11 things I would totally do during a hurricane:

1. Create an awesome fake Mitt Romney Twitter feed: Oh, somebody already did this! (Thanks for FB post, Ahmad!).

2. Speaking of Mitt Romney, I would probably want to leave my house for a bit and blow off some steam. Since emergency services are down, this is probably a great time to go door-to-door, asking folks if they’re voting for Romney. Yes? Punch them in the face and run.

3. Times of duress that include losing power call for sex and drinking, sure. But what about superstripscrabblesmokeoutsupersexysexdrinkingsandwichmakingbodegalootingselling cigarettesfortwentydollarsapacktothekidsonthecornerhappyfunhurricanetimes?

4. Put on all my sparkly clothes and makeup and re-enact the ‘Real Housewives of New Jersey’ reunion special with myself.

5. Throw away any crap I no longer want out the closest window.

6. Take candy from a baby.

7. Get a canoe.

8. Pray to Jeebus in the canoe. Kidding!

9. Begin my lengthy hate-mail campaign for ‘American Idol’ Season 12, with a special fixation on Mariah Carey.

Doesn't this look like a porno video cover?

10. Finally, time to get that sex tape storyboarded out!

11. Tweet the ‘Today Show,’ suggest places Al Roker can stand.



Holy, Shitballs! Am I Elite?

The other day, I was doing some research at work. You know, going through some studies of what qualifies as qualifying as “affluent” in this American life. And upon reading some of the factoids, I realized, gulp, that maybe, could I? Have I joined the affluent ranks of America?

Well, according to one study, if your combined household income is over $150K, then yes, you are considered “affluent.” Yet another one said $200K. I don’t know about you, but having a combined household income over $150K may get you pretty far—you know, above-ground pool and a leased Beemer—in fucking Alabama, but it’s not going to get you very far in any place that anyone actually wants to live, like say, on a coast.

To help us all figure out where we land in this new economy—even with a jobs report reporting a slight uptick for September—I have compiled a quiz that will let you know if your small-dog pampering, summer-house sharing, yoga-taking ass is considered closer to the 1 percent that we all despise. Get comfortable with your income bracket and get ready to enjoy the ‘Holy Shitballs! Am I Elite?’ quiz:

  1. Do you pay other people to exercise?

A. My exercise is getting out of the car when the drive-thru is shut down.
B. No, but I go outside and walk around a lot, like smug French people, and feel very pleased with myself while I’m doing this.
C. Yes, my home gym has awesome stuff like a sauna and elliptical.
D. Yes, I have a personal trainer who comes to my home/office three times a week to yell at me and tell me what to do.

  1. Do you have a person of a different nationality coming to your home to take care of your children?

A. Hell, no. A bag of Doritos and a TLC “Honey Boo Boo” marathon is all they fucking need.
B. No, they go to daycare, where they roll around in a disgusting, snotty pit with at least 30 other children, licking on one another all day.
C. Yes, she’s a lovely Jamaican woman, and she just loves my little angel!
D. Yes, I have six of them, two alternates on speed dial. And I am Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt.

  1. Do you only eat organic and/or locally sourced produce and food?

A. Taco Bell has all the vegetables I need.
B. No, I buy what’s on sale, but I try to eat mostly vegetables.
C. Yes, Whole Foods and my local farmer’s market is my Lord and Savior.
D. I don’t eat.

  1. Do you regularly use/consume any of the following?

A. Pampers/Pepsi
B. Soy milk/Raisin Bran
C. Cocunut Water/Sushi
D. Cristal/Starbucks

  1. Who are you voting for in this presidential election?

A. Mitt Romney
B. Barack Obama
C. Do I vote?
D. Mitt Romney

  1. How do you get around?

A. 1996 Hyundai
B. 1986 Volvo
C. 2013 Beemer
D. Black Escalades

  1. The last time I was on a bike…

A. I never had no bike.
B. Within the last hour.
C. Last weekend’s Sonoma Wine Country ride, of course!
D. That is so cute.

  1. I tend to have sex with…

A. Cousins
B. My soulmate, who embodies every one of my hopes, wishes, dreams and desires. We even made an extended video of our tender relationship and put it on YouTube for the world to see and feel bad for you because you are not as in love as we are.
C. Secretaries, neighbors, wife’s best friend and her daughter.
D. Those I pay.

  1. The last splurge I spent money on was…

A. The soft toilet paper—Charmin!
B. An organic farm share with my friends.
C. An Omega watch, because I deserve it.
D. A Namibian orgy fuckfest.

  1. Do you consider yourself a 99-percenter? Or one-percenter?

A. Neither. That Occupy stuff was some pussy, liberal-arts college kid shit.
B. The 99 percent, of course, but you know, I can still feed myself and buy a six-pack of microbrews whenever I want.
C. 99 percent. I’m tired of Obama saying he’ll raise taxes on those who make more than $250K a year. I had to sell my second home last year!
D. One percent? Please. Try the .000001 percent.

Mostly A’s. If the thought of New York City’s over 16 ounces drink ban infuriates your very being and you consider it an infringement on your rights, then you are an A.

Mostly B’s. Eh, you are so middle class, toiling away in some supposed “professional” desk job with stagnant wages and shrinking benefits. Good luck paying back your student loans, asshole! Or, that’s what Mitt Romney’s brain is thinking as he stares out at you and your sad little protest sign.

Mostly C’s. Congratulations. You are a yuppie douche and probably have your own show on Bravo.

Mostly D’s. You are either the head of your own tech startup and make millions of dollars hand over fist. Or you are a celebrity. Or Mitt Romney. However you made your money, of course, is your business. But you are indeed elite and very much part of the problem.

Frustrated, Frustrated, Feeling So Castrated…

It seems, over the past few weeks, that many of my pals are feeling incredibly frustrated. Whether it be with their living situations, gigs or projects, they are feeling blocked. Trapped. As frustrated as Newt Gingrich with an all-weekend freebie pass to a cathouse in Nevada that he can’t use right about now.

I don’t know if this is the ides of March’s fault (ugh, March, you’re gone, but you always tend to be the fuckup of the year); the year of the Dragon, or the fact that it is 2012, and we are all going to die in a fiery hellball of cumshots from the heavens heaved by an angry and vengeful evangelical God by EOY. But it sucks.

To brighten your end of week, here I present, people who have had a more frustrating week than you:

1. Axl Rose. Man, can’t this guy get a break? I mean, can’t a likely bipolar meglomaniac date a shill of a 20-something in Lana Del Rey, who hasn’t heard the rumors about his alleged supermodel-beating tendencies? And can’t he just accept an invite into the Rock ’n’ Roll Retirement Home in Cleveland? No, Axl cannot. Most rockers abandon their youthful, angry ways with age, but not Axl. Hold on to that hate, Axl. Hold on.

2. Now that he’s all but secured the Republican nom, Mitt Romney has more problems with women than a coked-up Ike Turner. Good luck with all that as your party keeps on keeping on with its We Hate Women Campaign 2012.

"Uh, what's the Lilly Ledbetter Act again?"

3. Rick Santorum’s wife, Karen, is now extremely frustrated as her eunuch of a husband will be pouting around their home in his sweater vests, glued to Fox News, talking incessantly about what might have been.

4. Ugh! Maintenance. I remember, back in the day (the ’90s) when a little trim with a scissors every now and then was all it took to get action ready. Today, ladies, not only must you pluck, wax and wane, but you must also make sure that your ladybits are not an offensive color. Truly, this is another banner Worst Week yet for foreign vaginas. It is only a matter of time until “Twat Wars: Tallahassee” becomes a new series on TLC. Take a look at this, courtesy of Jezebel who broke this stateside, as far as I know:

5. Jobs! Do you have one? Does it suck?

6. Dave Grohl is also having one hell of a pesky week. That scamp Courtney Love is now accusing him of acting inappropriately toward her daughter. Honestly, Courtney, between the whole catty remarks, Nirvana catalog fights and other nonsense, can’t you just let it go and leave poor Dave alone? You rival only Axl Rose in holding onto petty resentments from the ’90s. On second thought, how’s your vagina holding up? I bet it could use some bleaching.

7. This, once again, is the worst week ever for Hootie and the Blowfish as they found out, yet once again, that they continue to be completely irrelevant as Lollapalooza announced its summer lineup of Black Keys, Black Sabbath and Jack White.

Hootie, now appearing at your local Cracker Barrel.

8. If you live anywhere around North Korea, this is a pretty shitty week for you, too. Supreme Leader—don’t you just love it when little insecure men go all aggro and give themselves names? Isn’t it cute?—son of that last asshole will prove that he is every much the asshole that his father was and shoot off a missile. Shooting your missile off to demonstrate your masculinity is so Cuba Missile Crisis, circa 1962. Come on, it’s 2012, Kim Jong-un, lighten up and bleach your vagina!

Mmm…who else is having a pretty bad week? I think this about sums it up. Now, let’s check in on those who are universally blessed, and who always have awesome weeks no matter what:

Anthony Bourdain, James Franco, Suri Cruise, George Clooney, Mark Zuckerberg, Jon even though being overly handsome can be tiring Hamm, and anyone who attended the NYC Pulp shows from what I hear, and Jarvis Cocker. Of course, anyone with any sense would like to be Jarvis Cocker for a day.

If only Jarvis were God...Or is he? Mmmm....

As for next week, I hear the moon is to join forces with Pluto in Capricorn, which is really going to fuck up your finances. Good luck with that!