The 8 Dumbest People in Pop Culture This Month (And One Really Smart One)

1. Anyone who paid money for the new Madonna album, MDNA. OK, this technically puts it into the hundreds of thousands along dumb people lines. I have loved Madonna for ages and ages—actually still do. I, too, grew up grinding and grinding to “Like a Virgin” and wearing my sister’s training bra as a top before I even knew what virgin meant. But if you absolutely must purchase mediocre party songs, buy them made by someone under 30, will you please?

2. Levi Johnston. Christ. He’s like the K Fed of Alaska.

levi johnston

Please google image "Levi Johnston shirtless," lose your lunch. You're welcome.

3. Oh, Rick Santorum. You are that annoying party guest who lingers by the Ritz and fake spray cheese when the last mini-van has pulled out of the driveway.

rick santorum

"Uh, where's your plunger?"

4. Anyone who will pay money to see that “American Pie: Reunion” movie. Nope, still not funny.

american pie reunion

This promo shot for the movie begs the question: In what West Hollywood dumpster did they unearth Tara Reid?

5. Kim and Kanye. I don’t know what fresh hell is to be revealed to us through these two mashing their body parts together, but it’s probably a good sign that, indeed, 2012 is the end for humankind.

kim and kanye

It's so shiny!

6. Kirk Cameron. As a child, I had two major Teen Beat fueled crushes, and like most American women, one I’d defend to this day—River Phoenix would truly be in Johnny Depp territory by now—and the other? Eh, in every life a little Scott Baio must fall. My Scott Baio was Kirk Cameron, that lovable buffoon on “Growing Pains” with his goofy big nose and gangly limbs, getting all bad grades and charming the ladies. Well, Kirk has grown into a tremendous douche, and while most of the time, his Christian Campaign has been mildly amusing and ignorable, he’s now getting into Crazy Land territory with his stupid, stupid documentary “Monumental,” and even dumber comments on gay marriage. Hey, Santorum, can you pass the spray cheese?

7. Frat Boys. I will never, ever leave an opportunity on the table to kick frat boys while they’re down. And this month is no exception with the Dartmouth scandal being the latest in WTF to explode out of a misogynist, classist, racist system that requires insecure business majors to pay major bucks to make friends and live in a house that constantly smells like feet and jizz. Nothing will convince me that these assholes aren’t headed for careers at Goldman Sachs—and will easily eclipse my life’s earnings in their first-year bonus. But, hey, they ate vomit in college. How cool!

8. That “Is Anyone Up” guy. I’m all for turning a quick buck on the Internets—and support our right to porn—but this is just mean. And loads of bad karma. Also, folks, Don’t Take Pictures! You know it’s going to end up online at some point.

Well my, my, what a Pigdog.

9. And one smart guy, Drew Magary of Deadspin, who truly inspired great levels of writerly jealousy in me this week, using a word in GQ magazine I have never seen before, or if I had, forgot it existed: Pigdog. Yep, pigdog is such a brilliant use of two derogatory terms that it gladly joins the canon of other great words that are becoming, unfortunately, overused, thus lessening their great power: dickbag, douchebag, etc. Welcome, pigdog, to my vernacular. I look forward to working you into many conversations in the coming weeks, before you get all tired out by May.

They Used To Do It

Are you ever just kicking it down the street, minding your own sweet bizness, drinking your coffee, bopping along to Lisa Lisa and Cult Jam then get a shot of a memory and go, “I used to fuck that guy?”

Yeah, me too.

The other night, I was re-watching Chasing Amy—ah, the ’90s, Jason Lee had hair, you could smoke in bars, haircuts, makeup and shoes were flat and clunky—and I saw Ben Affleck in all his pre-Oscar glory. And I thought, “Wow, that guy’s been through the ringer…he used to date J-Lo for fuck’s sake.”

And so, I present a list of celebs who Used To Do It. Ready for this walk down memory lane? Let’s go!

• Let’s start with Bennifer—quite possibly the worst celeb hook-up/mash-up name of all time. Amid a frenzy circa the early ’oughts, somehow the world’s flattest, most boring white man (other than Tiger Woods) found America’s Rom-Com Sweetheart Who Isn’t White and they became a Power Celebrity Couple. Despite J-Lo’s damaged-goods status coming off a Puff Daddy/P. Diddy/Sean Dildo relationship, it was all a go—until Affleck got busted for going to a Vancouver “all-nude” strip club. It was about this same time that I came across one Mr. Ex J-Lo, Cris Judd, stood across from him and literally thought, “What’d she see in him? I wouldn’t fuck him.” There’s a Gigli joke in here somewhere. I’m just too lazy to write it.

ben affleck and jennifer lopez

'My Love Don't Cost a Thing' except a big-ass engagement ring.

• Sean Penn and Madonna. Holy cow, where do I start? In the midst of the ’80s Hollywood and Pop Music scene it was only a matter of time until these two scorching hot, blonde egomaniacs found one another. I remember as a wee lass watching SNL when Madonna hosted as she explained the media frenzy surrounding their nuptials, which were held on some sort of cliff somewhere, and she kept making not-funny potato salad jokes. Directors everywhere should have heeded this message—the woman cannot act, and even I, as a sheltered child, realized that this episode of SNL would not be funny. Penn and Madonna made it a whole four years before splitsville because apparently Penn is a wife-beater? WTF, Sean! And now you’re banging someone half your age in Scar-Jo? And I’m still trying to come to terms with the fact that Madonna once fucked Prince during the ’80s—that shit blows my mind.

sean penn madonna

No bad touch, Sean, no bad touch.

• Before she was Brangelina or Hot Milf Numero Uno, Angelina Jolie was having allegedly drugged-up, alcoholic sex with her fellow blood-locket-wearing beau, Billy Bob. Now, this was a relationship I actually got. Sure, Billy Bob’s creepy in that blue-collar mechanic you need to stop by the shop after-hours so I can touch your tailpipe way, but he was hot. Sorry. I know I gots my tastes, and they may not run similar to yours, but there you have it.

angelina jolie and billy bob thornton

'We did it in the limo on the way over.' Remember that one? Memories.

• As long as we’re on it, let’s go Brad Pitt and Gwyneth Paltrow—can you imagine two more perfect, statuesque, blindingly beautiful people doing it? Neither can I.

gwyneth paltrow and brad pitt

That whole brother-sister banging in 'Game of Thrones' is beginning to make more sense to me.

• Justin Timberlake and Britney Spears…Oh, baby. You know when you write an entire fucking hit album based off telling your Ex off—and definitely calling her out on her whole virginity scam—that is one scorned loverman. The thing that gets me about this coupling is that it was Britney who cheated on Justin. Yep, guess who won?

justine timberlake and britney spears

I'm surprised anyone fucked these two after these outfits.

• Kim Kardashian and Ray J. So, back when I still got free porn, I got the Vivid video of Ray J banging Ms. Kim K. It sat on my floor for weeks, until one particular Sunday evening, after a few six-packs, greasy Thai food and chronic, my two female roommates and I put it into the VCR (VCRs! Again, how ’90s!) to behold the Most Boring Porn of All Time After One Night in Paris. Mesmerized by watching K’s large bottom go up and down, up and down, up and down, jiggling, jiggling, jiggling, our male roommate walked in to us three, stoned out of our minds, sitting in a row on the couch. “Huh, what’s up, guys?” he stammered. After that video, Kim Kardashian’s career indeed.

kim kardashian and ray j

OMFG, totally did not remember that THIS happened.

• Hugh Hefner and Crystal Harris. Well, actually, I’m willing to bet money that they never actually did it, but what the fuck. I need the trending Google search hits.

hugh hefner and crystal

Oh, lord.

• Anthony Weiner and his super-smoking, whip-smart wife Huma Abedin. They used to do it…I’m guessing no more.

anthony weiner

Stroke me, stroke me!