10 Things I Hate About Bradley Cooper

Last weekend, as I was killing time before a show, I wandered into a local joint called the Lock and Keel, I believe, that is like half regular people and have locals. And when I say “locals” I mean guys who work down by the docks. Literally. The docks are just down the fucking street.

See, I like, no I lovesss me some blue-collar action, but I knew upon walking into this bar that there were at least three or four Deadbeat Dads who would try to hit on me. Not the kind of Blue Collars I dig.

I sit down with plenty of space on either side of me. This dude sits right down next to me.

“Fuuuuccckkkk…he’s gonna try to talk to me,” was my immediate thought. The second was, “Fuuuuccckkk, I just ordered this beer.” And so I was going nowhere fast.

“What’s the last movie you saw?” he asked me.

“I dunno,” I said. “Bridesmaids?”

“I like the Hangover,” he said. “Hangover part one and two. Ever seen that Avatar? That’s a damn good movie.”

As Alabama Slammer (that’s what I’m calling him ’cause that’s where he was from) kept yapping on and on about how the government shouldn’t be telling people that they have to wear helmets while riding a motorcycle and how he was earning his doctorate in business on Phoenix Online, I wondered just how fast I could suck down that Dos Equis to get the fuck out of there.

Pretty fast.

Anyhoo, I turned on the Internets this a.m. to find out that…TADA…J-Lo, like every Princess Survivor from the Bronx has gotten back on the Six, no, I mean the Sex, to hook up with Hollywood’s Rebound Guy, Bradley Cooper. This guy has more secondhand A-lister jizz on him than Jenna Jameson.

But I digress. Something about him just bothers me. So I present:

10 Things I Hate About Bradley Cooper:

1. His jaw.

Crooked, crooked jaw. Now, if only there was a Brooklyn band named this...

2. J-Lo.

3. Renee Zellweger.

4. The A-Team. Valentine’s Day. All About Steve?!? In fact, I can’t name one movie you’ve been in that hasn’t been crap.

5. You have one speed: Schmarmy.

6. Jen Aniston. In fact, let’s just say that I hate you because of every one of these trumped-up Hollywood relationships you’ve ever had. You social climb on successful stars like Jolie adopts adorable Third World orphans. Stop it.

7. The Hangover One. And Two.

8. You’re a wannabe Owen Wilson without the charm. The Wedding Crashers also sucked.

9. This hat:

The Douche. Can't wait for The Douche Two to come out.

10. The fact that I’d probably have an irrepressible, overwhelming, innate urge to hate fuck you if I ever met you in real life.

They Used To Do It

Are you ever just kicking it down the street, minding your own sweet bizness, drinking your coffee, bopping along to Lisa Lisa and Cult Jam then get a shot of a memory and go, “I used to fuck that guy?”

Yeah, me too.

The other night, I was re-watching Chasing Amy—ah, the ’90s, Jason Lee had hair, you could smoke in bars, haircuts, makeup and shoes were flat and clunky—and I saw Ben Affleck in all his pre-Oscar glory. And I thought, “Wow, that guy’s been through the ringer…he used to date J-Lo for fuck’s sake.”

And so, I present a list of celebs who Used To Do It. Ready for this walk down memory lane? Let’s go!

• Let’s start with Bennifer—quite possibly the worst celeb hook-up/mash-up name of all time. Amid a frenzy circa the early ’oughts, somehow the world’s flattest, most boring white man (other than Tiger Woods) found America’s Rom-Com Sweetheart Who Isn’t White and they became a Power Celebrity Couple. Despite J-Lo’s damaged-goods status coming off a Puff Daddy/P. Diddy/Sean Dildo relationship, it was all a go—until Affleck got busted for going to a Vancouver “all-nude” strip club. It was about this same time that I came across one Mr. Ex J-Lo, Cris Judd, stood across from him and literally thought, “What’d she see in him? I wouldn’t fuck him.” There’s a Gigli joke in here somewhere. I’m just too lazy to write it.

ben affleck and jennifer lopez

'My Love Don't Cost a Thing' except a big-ass engagement ring.

• Sean Penn and Madonna. Holy cow, where do I start? In the midst of the ’80s Hollywood and Pop Music scene it was only a matter of time until these two scorching hot, blonde egomaniacs found one another. I remember as a wee lass watching SNL when Madonna hosted as she explained the media frenzy surrounding their nuptials, which were held on some sort of cliff somewhere, and she kept making not-funny potato salad jokes. Directors everywhere should have heeded this message—the woman cannot act, and even I, as a sheltered child, realized that this episode of SNL would not be funny. Penn and Madonna made it a whole four years before splitsville because apparently Penn is a wife-beater? WTF, Sean! And now you’re banging someone half your age in Scar-Jo? And I’m still trying to come to terms with the fact that Madonna once fucked Prince during the ’80s—that shit blows my mind.

sean penn madonna

No bad touch, Sean, no bad touch.

• Before she was Brangelina or Hot Milf Numero Uno, Angelina Jolie was having allegedly drugged-up, alcoholic sex with her fellow blood-locket-wearing beau, Billy Bob. Now, this was a relationship I actually got. Sure, Billy Bob’s creepy in that blue-collar mechanic you need to stop by the shop after-hours so I can touch your tailpipe way, but he was hot. Sorry. I know I gots my tastes, and they may not run similar to yours, but there you have it.

angelina jolie and billy bob thornton

'We did it in the limo on the way over.' Remember that one? Memories.

• As long as we’re on it, let’s go Brad Pitt and Gwyneth Paltrow—can you imagine two more perfect, statuesque, blindingly beautiful people doing it? Neither can I.

gwyneth paltrow and brad pitt

That whole brother-sister banging in 'Game of Thrones' is beginning to make more sense to me.

• Justin Timberlake and Britney Spears…Oh, baby. You know when you write an entire fucking hit album based off telling your Ex off—and definitely calling her out on her whole virginity scam—that is one scorned loverman. The thing that gets me about this coupling is that it was Britney who cheated on Justin. Yep, guess who won?

justine timberlake and britney spears

I'm surprised anyone fucked these two after these outfits.

• Kim Kardashian and Ray J. So, back when I still got free porn, I got the Vivid video of Ray J banging Ms. Kim K. It sat on my floor for weeks, until one particular Sunday evening, after a few six-packs, greasy Thai food and chronic, my two female roommates and I put it into the VCR (VCRs! Again, how ’90s!) to behold the Most Boring Porn of All Time After One Night in Paris. Mesmerized by watching K’s large bottom go up and down, up and down, up and down, jiggling, jiggling, jiggling, our male roommate walked in to us three, stoned out of our minds, sitting in a row on the couch. “Huh, what’s up, guys?” he stammered. After that video, Kim Kardashian’s career indeed.

kim kardashian and ray j

OMFG, totally did not remember that THIS happened.

• Hugh Hefner and Crystal Harris. Well, actually, I’m willing to bet money that they never actually did it, but what the fuck. I need the trending Google search hits.

hugh hefner and crystal

Oh, lord.

• Anthony Weiner and his super-smoking, whip-smart wife Huma Abedin. They used to do it…I’m guessing no more.

anthony weiner

Stroke me, stroke me!