It’s official: There are no new ideas in fashion. Or how the January issue of Lucky pissed me off.

Nothing prepares you for the slow suck of January through March like the January magazines. And no other January issue is lacking for, uh, content than magazines that don’t feature any writing to begin with.

This brings us to ‘Lucky,’ the magazine about shopping and style, or as Jon Stewart once put it, “the magazine for retards.” Now, don’t get me wrong. I likes to look at some pretty clothes whilst sipping a rooftop cocktail or at the beach. And I’ll admit, I’ve actually bought shit I’ve seen in ‘Lucky’ because A) it’s not a magazine for ridiculously young girls, or B) a magazine for the menopausal set, and C) there’s shit in here that I can actually afford, unlike all the crap Anna Wintour puts in Vogue.

That said, this latest issue of January’s ‘Lucky’ reached new lows in fashion I don’t remember seeing since I had an unfortunate incident outside a Daffy’s in the Atlantic Center in Brooklyn. Look, ‘Lucky,’ it is precisely this time of year–when we are sick to holy Mother of God of wearing the same-old winter shit, and it’s too early to crack out those crisp summer tees and sundresses–that we need you most.

This January 2012 issue of Lucky looks like a couple rental interns scrounged through the office closets and literally vomit-styled the models to meet their ad-vs.-editorial quota to keep the doors open one more month. And they were blind.

Since I couldn’t find any of this stuff on the actual site (apparently, it’s just still a “preview” of January issue online. the fact that I couldn’t find anything immediately online these days kind of just blew my mind) I actually took pictures of the magazine’s worst looks to post below:

Lucky: This look says I’m funky and fresh!

What it really says: We may have met in the bathroom at Union Pool in Brooklyn, where I promptly blew you, but I’ll be sitting on your doorstep all night, every night, for eternity!

Believe it or not, this is the "look of the month"

Lucky: So Madonna!

What it really says: I’m a socially inept asshole who has to constantly draw attention to my tits. Or “I’m on ‘Gallery Girls.’ ”

Did you know that you could wear a leather bra as a top?

Lucky: Be cozy and cool!

What it really says: Amanda Bynes is my style icon.

Even Lindsay Lohan wouldn't step out in this shit in LA. And LA is the only place in the world where sluts pair strappy sandals with stocking caps.

Lucky: Bold stripes and florals almost always complement each other. (really, they said this.)

What it really says: ‘Almost always,’ still not always.

You know your wardrobe needs a pair of Beetlejuice pants. Or Lenny Kravitz.

And now, just to end on a nice note, here’s what I found on Lucky online while searching for this garbage. Brilliant party dresses:


Vivienne Westwood

I would kill for this Tom Ford.

See what you’re capable of Lucky? Now quit letting extras for ‘Girls’ style your magazine and get your shit together for February.