Shit I Say

Everyone loves “Overheard in New York” or “Texts From Last Night.” Well, get ready to add another one to the list: Shit I Say.

On clothes:

“This T-shirt is American Apparel. That means it’s made by sluts.”

On whether my beer is locally brewed and hence considered “sustainable”:

“Mine was pissed out by fairies in Ireland and delivered by unicorns ridden by Leprechauns.”

On dating:

Friend: “And that is why I’ll never date another guy from Philadelphia.”

Me: “That’s how I feel about adopted guys.”

On the news biz:

“The Times is like the Death Star, if it would’ve gotten halfway blown up, and half of them are missing arms and shit.”

On nerds drinking:

“That’s what happens when nerds drink.”

On I-have-no-fucking-idea-in-what-context-this-comment-came-from:

“You know what? I’m just gonna pee on that campfire…”

On my friend’s slutty friend:

“Did she make my T-shirt?”

On one of my exes upon telling me that he was fucking around:

“The first thought that popped into my mind: Thank God someone else is fucking you so I don’t have to anymore.”

One Reply to “Shit I Say”

  1. Hey I want credit for having the wisdom to compile these on my IPhone notepad while completely hammered


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