An Idiot’s Guide to the Gym

At best, the gym is a slightly tolerable place in which to exercise in a calm, focused manner with maybe a nice steam or sauna at the end. At worst, the gym is a torturous place, filled with filth, germs, over-muscled juiceheads and pounding, autotuned dance remixes of the Killers “Mr. Brightside.” A step above hell, in other words.

I’ve belonged to many gyms in my life, ones I’ve adored (hello New York Racquet and Fitness) to what I believe is the douchiest gym in the history of douchey gyms that I ever belonged to (LA Fitness Clubs, you suck huge donkey dicks) because it’s simply close to my home and has a pool. And now, I realize that I am paying for that access to a pool in more ways than one. And that close proximity to the human race while it is sweating, straining, grunting and getting naked can be as disgusting as it can be a delight. People are fucking gross, yo.

But January is the worst. The worst. The other night, as I realized there was a scabby band-aid mere steps away from my setup in my bodyworking/abs class, I was about to lose it. Here’s a quick guide to you January idiots on how to behave at the gym:

1. Please deposit your scabby band-aids, maxi-pads and used paper towels — and any and all of your trash in the numerous trash bins scattered about the place.

2. Same goes for gym-issued towels you use to thoroughly wipe your dimpled asses after you emerge from the shower. There’s a huge hamper in the locker room for a reason. The floor and lockers are not, nor have ever been, the appropriate place to leave your towel.

3. Please don’t sit your bare ass on anything.

4. Don’t wear light-colored shorts and/or workout pants. There will be crotch sweat.

5. Oh, and if there is, wipe it up, will you?

6. Guys, yes, women do like to work out with free weights. Please, share your space with no fucking attitude, Ok?

7. Don’t spit in the pool! Don’t spit in water fountains! Just don’t spit anywhere!

And wait your turn.

8. Staff: Don’t spend a good minute or two discussing last night’s date and why they didn’t text you back, etc., when you have people lined up three deep waiting to check in and/or ask questions.

9. Instructors: Workouts do not live by squatting alone. Please come up with some varied routines. Thanks. Also, berating us is not cool. For instance, Aggro in spinning who insisted on yelling over and over, “Come on, Monday! Keep up, Monday! This is a serious cycling class, for serious cyclers! You know if you don’t want to take it seriously, there’s a waiting list of people who want your bikes!” as he forced us to listen to the Greatest Radio Rock Hits of the ’90s for a solid hour. We had enough of that shit in high school gym class.

10. More pool etiquette: Guys, waxing. Not just for women. Think about it.

The only thing I want to see a coat this thick on in the water is an otter. At least they are adorable.

Got more gym peeves? Please share.


More adorable! How is this much extreme cuteness even possible?

2 Replies to “An Idiot’s Guide to the Gym”

  1. This blog about gyms resonates with me in a very, very meaningful way (thanks Mitt Romney for the syntax) based on an awful experience I had this summer.

    I visited the East Bay, Northern Calif. area home of my brother and his wife and two kids.

    “On Saturdays, we go to the gym … it is like a country club … please join us.”

    I agreed.

    Well it was the Club Sport in San Ramon Calif. This place should be destroyed by an airstrike by the U.S. Air Force.

    We arrived and the kids were checked into a child-worship-friendly care facility.

    The locker room was like the lowest circle of hell. There was a guy blow-drying his balls.

    I decided I would go to the “adult pool,” and it maybe would be awesome.

    No, there was one bored woman there in a swimsuit with more coverage than a burkha.

    No more gyms for me. Mountain biking, tennis, golf, hiking … anything but gyms.


  2. Maybe it’s just my age, but IF YOU ARE GOING TO SCREAM YOUR SUPPORT TO US AS A CLASS, INSTRUCTOR, PLEASE TURN DOWN YOUR TRAVIS TRITT MICROPHONE FIRST, BECAUSE I DON’T KNOW WHAT IS WORSE, DOING A PLANK, OR LISTENING TO YOU YELL ME THROUGH A PLANK. I’m here, okay? I pay good money to plank with you. All the yelling is not a bonus. In fact, it nearly lost you a membership this morning.


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