1. Anyone who paid money for the new Madonna album, MDNA. OK, this technically puts it into the hundreds of thousands along dumb people lines. I have loved Madonna for ages and ages—actually still do. I, too, grew up grinding and grinding to “Like a Virgin” and wearing my sister’s training bra as a top before I even knew what virgin meant. But if you absolutely must purchase mediocre party songs, buy them made by someone under 30, will you please?
2. Levi Johnston. Christ. He’s like the K Fed of Alaska.
3. Oh, Rick Santorum. You are that annoying party guest who lingers by the Ritz and fake spray cheese when the last mini-van has pulled out of the driveway.
4. Anyone who will pay money to see that “American Pie: Reunion” movie. Nope, still not funny.
5. Kim and Kanye. I don’t know what fresh hell is to be revealed to us through these two mashing their body parts together, but it’s probably a good sign that, indeed, 2012 is the end for humankind.
6. Kirk Cameron. As a child, I had two major Teen Beat fueled crushes, and like most American women, one I’d defend to this day—River Phoenix would truly be in Johnny Depp territory by now—and the other? Eh, in every life a little Scott Baio must fall. My Scott Baio was Kirk Cameron, that lovable buffoon on “Growing Pains” with his goofy big nose and gangly limbs, getting all bad grades and charming the ladies. Well, Kirk has grown into a tremendous douche, and while most of the time, his Christian Campaign has been mildly amusing and ignorable, he’s now getting into Crazy Land territory with his stupid, stupid documentary “Monumental,” and even dumber comments on gay marriage. Hey, Santorum, can you pass the spray cheese?
7. Frat Boys. I will never, ever leave an opportunity on the table to kick frat boys while they’re down. And this month is no exception with the Dartmouth scandal being the latest in WTF to explode out of a misogynist, classist, racist system that requires insecure business majors to pay major bucks to make friends and live in a house that constantly smells like feet and jizz. Nothing will convince me that these assholes aren’t headed for careers at Goldman Sachs—and will easily eclipse my life’s earnings in their first-year bonus. But, hey, they ate vomit in college. How cool!
8. That “Is Anyone Up” guy. I’m all for turning a quick buck on the Internets—and support our right to porn—but this is just mean. And loads of bad karma. Also, folks, Don’t Take Pictures! You know it’s going to end up online at some point.
9. And one smart guy, Drew Magary of Deadspin, who truly inspired great levels of writerly jealousy in me this week, using a word in GQ magazine I have never seen before, or if I had, forgot it existed: Pigdog. Yep, pigdog is such a brilliant use of two derogatory terms that it gladly joins the canon of other great words that are becoming, unfortunately, overused, thus lessening their great power: dickbag, douchebag, etc. Welcome, pigdog, to my vernacular. I look forward to working you into many conversations in the coming weeks, before you get all tired out by May.