‘True Blood’: Who’s Doing Who, A Brief Guide to Paranormal Sexual Mash-ups

If you are a remotely intelligent person who dabbles in sleazier affairs then you probably know that HBO’s ‘True Blood’ is back on the air.

Now, Alan Ball is a brilliant, brilliant man. Because when he started this Trash-O-Rama of hot paranormals banging the living hell out of one another, he stacked the cast with insanely beautiful people pretty much across the board. There is something for everyone in the ‘True Blood’–women, men, the gays, lesbians, furries, you name it, it’s got it in sweaty, oiled-up HD. Everyone is half naked and whacked out on something during ‘True Blood,’ which makes it like the best gay bar ever come to life in your very own fucking living room every Sunday night.

Hats off to Alan Ball and crew.

That said, I figured a little revisiting Who’s Doing Who (or is it Whom? Who cares?) and then some added Mind-Blowing Pairings thrown in for good measure. Because like any good orgy, ‘True Blood’ ain’t going down until everyone has practically gone down on everybody else.

Let’s go:

Sam and that hot shape-shifter chick, Luna. They met last season, part of Sam’s shape-shifter support group. When they got buck nekkid to go running through the woods like the Wild Stallions we know they are, well, we were a little impressed that Sam was actually going to score with someone pretty damn hot. The downside? She used to do a werewolf.

woof. woof.

Sam’s Mind-Blowing Pairing: Sookie. Bon Temps’ least-favorite waitress finally throws her drooling boss the pity fuck he’s been dying for.

Alcide and Eric Northman. If buff wolfman Alcide is going to be a bitch for anyone, it’s going to be for Eric Northman, Viking Stud, Fairy Fucker, All-Around Badass. If these two got naked and started rubbing their parts together my mind would literally fucking explode because it would not be able to handle the hotness.¬† The only question is would Eric ever let Alcide be Alpha Dog once in a while and go top? Oh, the sexual puns! They just keep writing themselves!

This plus...

This! Get outta the way, Sookie, you ruinin' my fantasy!

Eric’s Mind-Blowing Pairing: Bill Compton. I find Bill so incredibly boring that it would take an Eric fuck-over to breathe any life into this piece of walking dead.

Jessica and Jason. I’ve never been a huge Jason Stackhouse fan, but man, do they write some hilarious lines for this uber-stud with an IQ of a tit mouse (“Santa?” anyone?). Stackhouse is known for taking his shirt off, drinking beer, taking his shirt off, and screwing the ladies. A lot. And he seems pretty good at it actually, even though he’s probably like only Tom Cruise-sized in real life. Jason started banging his BFF’s hottie, Jessica, who is pretty damn sizzling hot as far as the show’s chicks go. Jason inspired one of the best lines last season by Sheriff Andy Bellefleur, “conscience off, dick on!”

In the back of a pick-up truck, oh yeah! This show just gets trashier and trashier...

¬†Jason’s Mind-blowing Pairing: Andy Bellefleur.

Pam and that ‘Law & Order: SVU’ dude. I’ve never liked Christopher Meloni, the latest cast member to join ‘True Blood’ as part of The Authority. I think it’s just that he has that whole asshole cop look to him. Perhaps that’s why they cast him as part of The Authority. And that is why I want Pam to eat his face off.

No one wants you here. Seriously. Get out of my show.

And ‘True Blood’ characters we never, ever want to see do it. Hoyt’s mom. Russell Edgington. Tara (again). No one cares what happens with Tara. And please, no more Andy Bellefleur ass shots.