Politics! (Or a few incendiary statements that will surely bar me from taking any public office in the future)

2012. Man, that year’s gonna be rough. Not only is the world gonna end, according to some Mayan calendar, but it’s going to be a rough-and-tumble year in politics. Didn’t we just do this? 2008 feels like last weekend. I’m tired already.

Anyway, that’s not stopping the election year hype from ramping up. Republicans are scrambling to find their QB1 (been watching a lot of Friday Night Lights, lately, and though I hate football, that is one great fucking show.). I think my favorite so far is Chris Christie, that idiot from New Jersey. Man, can he talk some shit about shit that no one cares about. If the country wanted to go the eunuch route, then Mike Huckabee is a good choice. Mitt Romney. No. We can’t have no Mo-Mo running things. Newt “my love for my country led me to cheat on my wife” Gingrich? Hell, no. I would feel more comfortable walking into a Wal-Mart, throwing a dart and hitting the next president than electing Sarah Palin. And Michelle Bachmann. Man, what an asshole.

One thing I really despise about candidates, all candidates, is their pussy-footing around how they feel about certain contentious topics. Since I have no ambitions to ever run for public office, here’s exactly how I feel about these so-called hot-button political issues:

Gay Marriage: Every person of legal age and mindful consent should be able to make the decision to get married. Period. The LGBT lifestyle is not an attack on American family values, it is not unnatural or go against God and the Bible. It’s a fact. A way of life for many. And it should be respected and treated equally, as should all our gay brothers and sisters out there.

Abortion: Should be legal and accessible in all 50 states. Period. The control over a woman’s body should be left firmly in the hands of that woman. I don’t give a shit about the father’s rights, the fetus, etc. In this argument, those are far, far down the line when considering the health, mental stability and welfare of the said woman. Do you know how many women have been saddled, have had their entire lives derailed by an unwanted, unplanned pregnancy? And then those problems lead to more problems—poverty, the kid being fucked up by growing up a in household that perhaps isn’t ready for baby. This is a personal choice between a woman and her family. And it should be kept that way.

Also, I would really, really appreciate it if Republicans would quit attacking Planned Parenthood and other health clinics that provide reproductive health service for women. Most women use these places for affordable checkups and birth control. Taking away funding for these types of clinics would only drive up the number of unwanted pregnancies. If it weren’t for Planned Parenthood, I’d probably be working in some shit convenience store and living in a trailer in Iowa with at least three fucking brats.

Healthcare: Should be universal, free and available to every citizen. Period. No, idiots, it’s not “socialized” medicine. It’s not like you’re gonna be in some bread line, waiting for your penicillin. Have you ever been to a country that has universal health care? It’s a goddamn delight compared to America. You walk in, you get treated, no bill, no fighting with your insurance company, etc. I don’t know about any of you, but I have so-called “good” health insurance, and I still have to fight for coverage for basic shit. Like when I broke my arm, and instead of being able to just go to the fucking ER, I was on the phone to make sure that the closest ER was covered by my insurance ad then the lady told me, “Well, I don’t know if a broken bone qualifies as an emergency visit….” Are you fucking kidding me? Then, of course, there was the eight fucking hours I spent in a dirty ER waiting room, waiting for treatment. It doesn’t get much worse than our system, folks. Trust.

It’s time for everybody to have access to healthcare. It’s inhumane to live any other way.

Education: Public education is a joke. I grew up in a household of teachers, and let me tell you, when someone asked me if I wanted to teach, I fucking laughed. No way. Anyway, people, our schools are a mess. And if no one is going to step to the plate and start funding this shit—which is, by and large, one of the biggest problems with the system, not unions, not teachers—we are going to be serving our Chinese masters fucking dim sum in their huge fucking McMansions in the Jersey suburbs real fucking soon. We are behind in everything, science and math, especially. Kids need the proper attention, time and resources to learn, especially kids in challenged urban areas. But no one cares about poor people, as Kanye West not-so-eloquently put it. I mean, if you’re not privileged enough to grow up in a household of means in a nice neighborhood, then you can go fuck yourself. That is the exact message we send our kids every day in this country, which, in turn, is widening the economic disparity even more between the rich and everyone else.

Energy: Here’s one of the problems I have with the Obama administration—what happened to all those “green” type innovations and jobs? I know, I know, more pressing matters have emerged, but fuck, man. I’m sick and tired of being dependent on gas prices dictated by assholes in the Middle East, who use every natural disaster as an excuse to jack prices. And the current crisis in Japan—and the idea that I live fewer than 40 miles from the worst nuclear reactor in the country at Indian Point—also makes it very clear that it’s time to get with the program. And get some other types of energy going so we aren’t so dependent on these evil twins of oil and nuclear power for all our mojo.