You’re Stupid! Advice from Evil Molly…

Dilemmas! We all got ’em. Now you can write me at “You’re Stupid” for my lowdown, evil good advice.

Dear You’re Stupid:

How do you control the urge to punch people on the subway especially those who step all over you and shove you around?

And:

I’m sick and tired of people taking phone calls and texting during dinner or when you’re hanging out one-on-one?

Or:

How do you break up with a friend?

Signed,

Escape from NY

Dear Escape from NY:

Easy, you leave NY.

Ok, well, life usually isn’t that easy. Plus, these are also outside NY problems. I’ll address in order as how my Most Perfectly Righteous Self would address them. Then the real-world answer.

Subway: You gotta be careful with this one. Before beginning any subway confrontation you have to factor into the equation what their Crazy-Ass Response will be—and whether you can handle it. I had a roommate who got punched in the face because she told a guy to quit oogling and touching her. Should she have told him off? Absolutely. Are you ready to take a punch to the face in return? Mmm… debatable.

Size them up and see who else is around. A typical, “Excuse me, would you mind scooting over?” or “Please don’t shove me” is quite handy. I definitely bitched at people to move it along into the cars and make some space, and while I got a few dirty looks, they did it. Sometimes some killer eye contact will suffice–in a packed car once, getting the leg rubdown from some little Napoleon, I eyeballed him into not only stopping, but extreme embarrassment and shame. Oh, the shame!

Most people are dumb lambs being led to the slaughter who will avoid confrontation at all costs. Use this to your advantage. Carve out your space—especially if it’s from some pigdog investment banker.

Phone/Texting: Ask them to stop. Really. If they won’t, tell them it’s rude. If they still won’t stop, don’t go to dinner/drinks with them anymore. Really. They’re not there anyway. They can sit there with their drink and their Droid and go to town playing Angry Birds or other stupid App and contemplate why more people don’t ask them to do things.

Checking e-mail and texting egregiously during social gatherings in the aughts is what call waiting was to the ’90s…if I’m not important enough to not click over on, then I have no need to talk to you anyway.

Friends: I recently read a brilliant essay (book “We Learn Nothing” by Tim Kreider, out June 12.) on why breaking up with a friend is unlike anything else—it’s not like a relationship where you definitely have The Talk. And as such, most people just let it go gently into that good night.

In an ideal world, you tell the mofos exactly what is up and why you will no longer be eating tostadas and gossiping about NYC Man Babies with them. However, this may backfire. For any friendship breakup, I advise you weight the Pain vs. Reward factor of the transaction. Is breaking up going to be more of a pain in your ass over the long run? Or will it be quick and nearly painless, like ripping off a Band-Aid?

If it’s going to cause you more grief, I suggest going the spineless route, a la ignoring texts, calls and the occasional e-mail until they fade into complete and total obscurity. Because, really, what is the good of having all this avoidance technology that we overpay for from Verizon if you can’t fucking use it to your advantage? It’s like having a bitchy secretary who is really excellent at screening calls for you, your own little Joan Harris (sexiness not included)! And that is worth the monthly-unlimited wireless plan’s weight in gold.

Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me?

Got a question for You’re Stupid? Please write me at evilmolly@gmail.com or post it below in comments.

Frustrated, Frustrated, Feeling So Castrated…

It seems, over the past few weeks, that many of my pals are feeling incredibly frustrated. Whether it be with their living situations, gigs or projects, they are feeling blocked. Trapped. As frustrated as Newt Gingrich with an all-weekend freebie pass to a cathouse in Nevada that he can’t use right about now.

I don’t know if this is the ides of March’s fault (ugh, March, you’re gone, but you always tend to be the fuckup of the year); the year of the Dragon, or the fact that it is 2012, and we are all going to die in a fiery hellball of cumshots from the heavens heaved by an angry and vengeful evangelical God by EOY. But it sucks.

To brighten your end of week, here I present, people who have had a more frustrating week than you:

1. Axl Rose. Man, can’t this guy get a break? I mean, can’t a likely bipolar meglomaniac date a shill of a 20-something in Lana Del Rey, who hasn’t heard the rumors about his alleged supermodel-beating tendencies? And can’t he just accept an invite into the Rock ’n’ Roll Retirement Home in Cleveland? No, Axl cannot. Most rockers abandon their youthful, angry ways with age, but not Axl. Hold on to that hate, Axl. Hold on.

2. Now that he’s all but secured the Republican nom, Mitt Romney has more problems with women than a coked-up Ike Turner. Good luck with all that as your party keeps on keeping on with its We Hate Women Campaign 2012.

"Uh, what's the Lilly Ledbetter Act again?"

3. Rick Santorum’s wife, Karen, is now extremely frustrated as her eunuch of a husband will be pouting around their home in his sweater vests, glued to Fox News, talking incessantly about what might have been.

4. Ugh! Maintenance. I remember, back in the day (the ’90s) when a little trim with a scissors every now and then was all it took to get action ready. Today, ladies, not only must you pluck, wax and wane, but you must also make sure that your ladybits are not an offensive color. Truly, this is another banner Worst Week yet for foreign vaginas. It is only a matter of time until “Twat Wars: Tallahassee” becomes a new series on TLC. Take a look at this, courtesy of Jezebel who broke this stateside, as far as I know:

5. Jobs! Do you have one? Does it suck?

6. Dave Grohl is also having one hell of a pesky week. That scamp Courtney Love is now accusing him of acting inappropriately toward her daughter. Honestly, Courtney, between the whole catty remarks, Nirvana catalog fights and other nonsense, can’t you just let it go and leave poor Dave alone? You rival only Axl Rose in holding onto petty resentments from the ’90s. On second thought, how’s your vagina holding up? I bet it could use some bleaching.

7. This, once again, is the worst week ever for Hootie and the Blowfish as they found out, yet once again, that they continue to be completely irrelevant as Lollapalooza announced its summer lineup of Black Keys, Black Sabbath and Jack White.

Hootie, now appearing at your local Cracker Barrel.

8. If you live anywhere around North Korea, this is a pretty shitty week for you, too. Supreme Leader—don’t you just love it when little insecure men go all aggro and give themselves names? Isn’t it cute?—son of that last asshole will prove that he is every much the asshole that his father was and shoot off a missile. Shooting your missile off to demonstrate your masculinity is so Cuba Missile Crisis, circa 1962. Come on, it’s 2012, Kim Jong-un, lighten up and bleach your vagina!

Mmm…who else is having a pretty bad week? I think this about sums it up. Now, let’s check in on those who are universally blessed, and who always have awesome weeks no matter what:

Anthony Bourdain, James Franco, Suri Cruise, George Clooney, Mark Zuckerberg, Jon even though being overly handsome can be tiring Hamm, and anyone who attended the NYC Pulp shows from what I hear, and Jarvis Cocker. Of course, anyone with any sense would like to be Jarvis Cocker for a day.

If only Jarvis were God...Or is he? Mmmm....

As for next week, I hear the moon is to join forces with Pluto in Capricorn, which is really going to fuck up your finances. Good luck with that!