Amid this week of fuckwittery and tomfoolery, I stopped and thought: I wonder what my man the Biebs is up to?
Well, a lot, quite frankly. In addition to assaulting paparazzo and slamming his head into glass, the Bieb is a very busy man, being’s that he just turned 18 and has a new album coming out, and being featured in GQ magazine as a Man.
Well, Biebs, welcome to adulthood. Here are 10 more things I would like to see you do in the coming year:
1. Somehow infiltrate the couple that has become “Kimye” and break that shit up…sing “Boyfriend” to Kim K. whilst dumping some Cristal or something on Kanye—make a scene. Get married by hosting large wedding on E! and make Ryan Seacrest even richer with your ridiculous wedding reality show: “Kim and Bieber: Forever!”
2. Get incessantly bitch-slapped by Tyrion Lannister aka Peter Dinklage, the Pimp.
3. Set a $100K Birkin bag on fire.
4. Stop using Twitter. Just stop. Please.
5. Film new movie “Always Say Always…”
6. Now that John Edwards has some more free time since he got off, perhaps you can collaborate on another Ryan Seacrest venture: “Awesome Hair 101.”
And for good measure, here’s that:
7. Show up at the MTV Movie Awards wearing a thong and baby-tee. Sit on Eminem’s face.
8. Call Justin Timberlake. Ask him how you do this.
9. Somehow, someway, get a “Toddlers & Tiaras” type YouTube talent show search on, looking for the next Mini-You. Have Mini-Bieber sit on your lap, like Mini-Me in Austin Powers, at all public events.
10. Film a rom-com with Zac Efron, fighting over who gets to bang Katherine Heigl, filled with all sorts of nursing bra and vaginal suppository jokes. Call it “Milf.”
Got it, Biebs? Your next major project awaits! Love and kisses. Me.