The Royal Wedding…Or the Most Boring Fucking Nuptials of All Time

I hate weddings. I really do. When someone asks me if I’ve ever been to a fun one, I have to sit there, take pause and dive into the inner depths of my freeloading, crappy-dress-wearing soul to find out if I’ve ever actually had a good time at one.

The answer is sort of. Once. And it wasn’t even a friend’s wedding. I was a guest at an ex’s friend’s wedding. I got to wear a slutty dress and dance to BTO and drink way too much Taste of the Rockies. But, hey, it got me a free weekend at a golf resort in Boulder, Colo., all expenses paid.

That said, I’ve spent way too much time and money attending and participating in other people’s declarations of lifetime love. Look, I love love just as much as anybody else—probably more—but I despise grandiose displays of usually really tacky shit and eating bad mass-produced catered food and listening to a some local DJ spin the classic-rock hits from 1978 while middle-aged sad people who hate their lives ass-grab on the dancefloor.

So, yeah, I hate weddings.

It’s two months out, and I’m already sick and tired of hearing about this so-called Royal Wedding or, as I like to call it, The Most Boring Fucking Nuptials of All Time. I don’t think two more boring white people could find one another if you attended an all-the-ribs-you-can-eat singles mixer at a Chili’s in West Des Moines (sorry, Iowa, but I had to go there).

This pretty much says it all.

Scratch that statement. I think I could find more interesting people at an all-you-can-eat singles mixer at a Chili’s in West Des Moines.

So, here’s a few reasons why Little Mr. Prince William and Waity Katie Middleton’s wedding will suck:

1. Fergie’s not invited. No, not that Black-Eyed Pea bitch. The redhead. Look, Royal Family, she’s the most interesting thing you got going—affairs! Divorce! Selling information to undercover reporters! And, apparently, the only one who can fess up when she’s fucked up, per her subsequent appearance on Oprah where, according to the Telegraph, she admitted that she had been drinking and said that she was “in the gutter at that moment.” Now that is who you want giving a toast to remember.

2. Also according to the Telegraph (British newspapers, so newsy), a whole hodgepodge of Middle Eastern royalty is going to be attending:

The King of Saudi Arabia, The King of Jordan, the Crown Prince of Abu Dhabi, the Sultan of Oman and the Sultan of Brunei are also said to be on the list at the personal invitation of the Queen.

The news dismayed Republic, the anti-monarchy pressure group. Campaign manager Graham Smith said: ‘It beggars belief that the Queen saw fit to invite the King of Bahrain just days after his troops opened fire on pro-democracy protesters. This sends a very strong signal that the British royal family’s number one priority is other royals, even if they are dictators, despots and thugs.’

Is anyone else tired of money-grubbing assholes who live off the backs and blood of Common People hanging out together? So am I. So am I.

3. Waity Katie, you waited eight fucking years for this douche to propose. Eight Fucking Years. I’m absolutely certain that every single acquaintance you have has had to hold back every ounce of their being in order not to smack you solidly across the face if you even start to stammer a sentence about your relationship with this dude. A wedding will probably just be sheer and utter hell for them. I am totally on the Millionaire Matchmaker Patti Stanger’s page on this one, “A man knows if he wants to marry you within six months to a year.” So, whilst you’re popping out Royal Babies and dealing with postpartum depression, don’t be too surprised if William’s going out with his buddy Kanye and David Beckham to soccer games and night clubs and hip-hop VIP booths sponsored by expensive champagnes. Dude’s just not that into you.

4. Oh, and William. You’re not off the hook either. Everyone knows Harry’s the hot one.

Princes! Courtesy of Reuters!

5. Speaking of David Beckham. The Beckhams are your lead celebs? Really? I mean I know they’re huge in England, but that’s like scoring a Gossip Girl cast member over here.

Does anyone else find them as intolerable as I do?

6. Also, does anyone else out there really want to see a pair of blow-up dolls designed just like the Beckhams?

point and...


7. Is Elton John gonna rewrite “Candle in the Wind” fucking again?

8. Also, William, methinks you were getting all kinds of pressure, u-hum, like your dad, to get married around the 30-year mark. It would’ve been more awesome if you could’ve told your Grandma to, as Jay-Z says, “kiss your whole asshole” and forget it. You like the hip-hop, don’t ya?

9. Mmm…what else makes this so boring? The fact that you’ll dominant U.S. tabloids, such as this People article, with such useless factoids like, “As for the parties, Queen Elizabeth will kick things off with a post-ceremony wedding breakfast of champagne and canapés for 600. At 7 p.m. Prince Charles will host a dinner dance for which Kate – and some 300 guests – will change into evening gowns.” This is going to take valuable print and web space away from what I really want to hear about, including which Jersey Shore character is entering rehab and how Justin Bieber’s new haircut is setting him loose on a sexual feeding frenzy the likes of which the world hasn’t experienced since Charlie Sheen checked into a Vegas casino.

Bieber Fever! You can't fight the feeling!

10. And the No. 10 reason this wedding will suck? According to our friends up north at the National Post, Prince Harry’s planned a delightful “stag do” filled with water sports, barbecue and bar crawling for his older bro. I’m sorry, is this a royal bachelor party, or an episode of Eastbound & Down?

Quite possibly, the greatest show of all time. Also way more fun than Royal Wedding.