10 Other Things I Would Like To See Justin Bieber Do

Amid this week of fuckwittery and tomfoolery, I stopped and thought: I wonder what my man the Biebs is up to?

Well, a lot, quite frankly. In addition to assaulting paparazzo and slamming his head into glass, the Bieb is a very busy man, being’s that he just turned 18 and has a new album coming out, and being featured in GQ magazine as a Man.

Well, Biebs, welcome to adulthood. Here are 10 more things I would like to see you do in the coming year:

1. Somehow infiltrate the couple that has become “Kimye” and break that shit up…sing “Boyfriend” to Kim K. whilst dumping some Cristal or something on Kanye—make a scene. Get married by hosting large wedding on E! and make Ryan Seacrest even richer with your ridiculous wedding reality show: “Kim and Bieber: Forever!”

 

Mmm...Kim K. Now with more flavor crystals.

2. Get incessantly bitch-slapped by Tyrion Lannister aka Peter Dinklage, the Pimp.

'Nuff said.

3. Set a $100K Birkin bag on fire.

 

Dumb.

4. Stop using Twitter. Just stop. Please.

5. Film new movie “Always Say Always…”

6. Now that John Edwards has some more free time since he got off, perhaps you can collaborate on another Ryan Seacrest venture: “Awesome Hair 101.”

All I can hear is him singing a song, "I'm sorry, so swarry..." in that lil' Kim Jong Il puppet voice from 'Team America.'

And for good measure, here’s that:

7. Show up at the MTV Movie Awards wearing a thong and baby-tee. Sit on Eminem’s face.

8. Call Justin Timberlake. Ask him how you do this.

9. Somehow, someway, get a “Toddlers & Tiaras” type YouTube talent show search on, looking for the next Mini-You. Have Mini-Bieber sit on your lap, like Mini-Me in Austin Powers, at all public events.

10. Film a rom-com with Zac Efron, fighting over who gets to bang Katherine Heigl, filled with all sorts of nursing bra and vaginal suppository jokes. Call it “Milf.”

"uh, yeah, so I haven't had a crap project in a while...call me!"

Got it, Biebs? Your next major project awaits! Love and kisses. Me.

Dicks Gone Wild!

It’s everywhere you go these days—the Internets, the newspapers, the cable-news networks, the subways. It’s dicks. And they’re inescapable. And like the many, many citations to that now-infamous Keith Richards quote about Mick Jagger’s dick being a “tiny todger,” the onslaught and build-up of sausage, penis, dicks has taken over the forefront of my brain, and I can’t take it anymore.

I gotta purge. So saddle up and enjoy the ride. (There ain’t no pics in this one. I like you guys too much for that.)

Now, I hate football, but I’ve been meaning to write about this here Brett Favre dick scandal over the past month or so. I’ve ignored it for the most part—hell, I hadn’t even seen Favre’s so-called cell penis pics until today—but I got the lowdown over at Deadspin. Favre leaves a bunch of really, really desperate messages on this cute Jersey girl’s phone, “Uh, I’m back at the hotel and….just chill…I’d love to have you come over tonight.” This guy sounds more desperate than a chubby Jo-Bros fan-club leader trying to score a date for her junior prom. Fuck, dude, you’re a Super Bowl Champ and Wrangler spokesman! Have some fucking cajones for fuck’s sake.

Well, we get to see Favre’s cajones. And let me tell you when those dick shots came on the screen, I was like, “Whoa! Yep, that’s some fucking dick!” And, much like was disclosed on Bill Mayer a few weeks back, let me reiterate for any of you gents out there who think sending a penis pic to any woman is a good idea—No Woman In The History of The World Wants to See a Picture of Your Dick. Now, I love me some dick, but I like it when it’s there explicitly and totally at attention for my personal purposes. And by that, I mean I only like dick when it’s hard and ready to fuck. Are we done fucking? Are you flaccid? Get the fuck out of my face.

However, I will say that I was somewhat impressed by the flaccid Favre. I’d say there’s potential there. He’s a grower, probably a seven-incher.

Moving on.

Wifey Deanna, showed up on “Good Morning America” to peddle her Jebus book and said about the whole shindig, “I’m a woman of faith…It will get me through this one.” Ha. Lady, you have won the fucking wifey lotto. What you need to do is get a D-I-V-O-R-C-E, then parlay all that cash and fuckability into Green Bay Packers fuckfest. Every fucking fan would want a piece of Favre’s woman. Also, according to one of my favorite porn sites, did you know that MILF porn is the top category in all porn? Use it, or lose it.

Kanye. Kanye, Kanye, Kanye. I like you. I’ve always liked you. You’re such a loudmouth dickhead. Even when you dissed American Sweetheart Taylor Swift, I thought it was kinda funny. I’m not surprised there’s a picture of your dick online—hell, I’m just surprised it didn’t show up sooner, write a hit mash-up with Jamie Foxx, and score a Smirnoff Ice commercial. It’s all right as far as dicks go, but your pubes could use a trim.

Oh, and also I love the fact that your dick showed up right around George W.’s book release and his saddest moment in all of his incredibly devoid, depressing, depraved eight years as president—when you said during that Katrina marathon that “George Bush doesn’t care about black people.” Ha! F-U, W!

So, dicks of the world? Let’s take a little break this November, shall we? Let’s let the boobs have the spotlight back. I mean, they’re much, much nicer to look at.