10 Things I Hate About Bradley Cooper

Last weekend, as I was killing time before a show, I wandered into a local joint called the Lock and Keel, I believe, that is like half regular people and have locals. And when I say “locals” I mean guys who work down by the docks. Literally. The docks are just down the fucking street.

See, I like, no I lovesss me some blue-collar action, but I knew upon walking into this bar that there were at least three or four Deadbeat Dads who would try to hit on me. Not the kind of Blue Collars I dig.

I sit down with plenty of space on either side of me. This dude sits right down next to me.

“Fuuuuccckkkk…he’s gonna try to talk to me,” was my immediate thought. The second was, “Fuuuuccckkk, I just ordered this beer.” And so I was going nowhere fast.

“What’s the last movie you saw?” he asked me.

“I dunno,” I said. “Bridesmaids?”

“I like the Hangover,” he said. “Hangover part one and two. Ever seen that Avatar? That’s a damn good movie.”

As Alabama Slammer (that’s what I’m calling him ’cause that’s where he was from) kept yapping on and on about how the government shouldn’t be telling people that they have to wear helmets while riding a motorcycle and how he was earning his doctorate in business on Phoenix Online, I wondered just how fast I could suck down that Dos Equis to get the fuck out of there.

Pretty fast.

Anyhoo, I turned on the Internets this a.m. to find out that…TADA…J-Lo, like every Princess Survivor from the Bronx has gotten back on the Six, no, I mean the Sex, to hook up with Hollywood’s Rebound Guy, Bradley Cooper. This guy has more secondhand A-lister jizz on him than Jenna Jameson.

But I digress. Something about him just bothers me. So I present:

10 Things I Hate About Bradley Cooper:

1. His jaw.

Crooked, crooked jaw. Now, if only there was a Brooklyn band named this...

2. J-Lo.

3. Renee Zellweger.

4. The A-Team. Valentine’s Day. All About Steve?!? In fact, I can’t name one movie you’ve been in that hasn’t been crap.

5. You have one speed: Schmarmy.

6. Jen Aniston. In fact, let’s just say that I hate you because of every one of these trumped-up Hollywood relationships you’ve ever had. You social climb on successful stars like Jolie adopts adorable Third World orphans. Stop it.

7. The Hangover One. And Two.

8. You’re a wannabe Owen Wilson without the charm. The Wedding Crashers also sucked.

9. This hat:

The Douche. Can't wait for The Douche Two to come out.

10. The fact that I’d probably have an irrepressible, overwhelming, innate urge to hate fuck you if I ever met you in real life.