You know, a lot of folks sit and whine and wonder about how much better life would be if they were coupled up—you know antiquing! Brunching! Lying on a blanket in the park, making out! Yippers. It’s enough to drive any sane-minded person to sign up for a three-day trial account on eHarmony.
Well, fuck that. Watching TV today, I realized something with the onslaught of commercials, TV shows, etc., that all—each and every one!—explore the drudgeries of coupledom. Grab your KY His and Hers, kids. Like a late-night rendezvous with Charlie Sheen, this ain’t gonna go down easy.
Reasons why being a Couple Might Suck:
1. You know each other’s bowel schedules. Seriously. This is just way too close for comfort. I don’t give a fuck if you’re constipated, have diarrhea or need to a jack your colon up with some of that Jamie Lee Curtis-peddled probiotic shit, stat, I need not know about it. Just light a fucking match.
2. You, the Little Woman, get stuck doing Everything. I swear if I see more Swiffer, Mr. Clean or Febreze commercial where the chicks are sitting around and practically orgasming off a new product while their husbands are probably off playing golf, I’m gonna fucking puke.
3. P.S. Golf is fucking bullshit.
4. Need to trick your dipshit family into eating decent food, i.e. vegetables, with sugar-packed, disgusting spaghetti sauce? Is that your biggest thrill all day? Get yerself to a dildo store pronto, Prego lady.
5. You’re a man. You know how to handle situations, like driving your vintage muscle car that you bought during your midlife crisis of ’93 when your pubes started to go gray. Thank god there’s a boner pill that’s as unique as you.
6. Are you a superhot woman married to a disgusting pig of a husband (i.e. Jim Belushi, that fat fuck from “King of Queens,”) like every CBS/ABC sitcom made between 1992 and now? Too fucking bad, lady. That’s the way of the world. Now get under those covers and get ready to play Dutch Oven: The Return!
7. Did your partner make some frozen Barilla bullshit from a bag instead of taking you out to dinner? Haha. Ain’t so fucking great is it?
8. Does your wife get made at you when you bring a barbecue sandwich home and eat it and stain her dining-room tablecloth? Maybe, my friend, you need to find your balls.
9. Do you like your warm Betty Crocker brownie mix from the microwave more than sex? Yep, your life might suck a little.
10. The new Snuggies are here! The new Snuggies are here! Do you both own one?