As you may know, the planet may or may not come to a crushing end on Dec. 21. However, lest you not plan for Dec. 25, well you could look like a real asshat around the old yuletide tree. Or you end up scrambling the weekend before, looking for cut-rate gifts from drugstores to make up for life going on. As someone who got stuck in the Target parking ramp for 45 minutes a few weeks back, attempting to do some non-holiday shopping, I do not want this to happen to you.
So, let’s take a walk through this gift guide, shall we? The bad news is that if Dec. 21 is truly it, well, then you will probably die in a fiery heap of tacky-ass shit, that will slowly melt and conform to your body, smothering and burning you to death, much like this awesome scene from ‘Game of Thrones.’ If the world doesn’t end? You’ve got enough tacky-ass shit on hand for every white elephant grab bag and annoying family get-together to get you through the coming dark days of forced socialization with people you can barely stand.
1. First up, Uggs. At times, I will be in a shoe section somewhere, perusing the goods, and will see something somewhat cute, then pick them up and see that they’re part of Jessica Simpson or Carlos Santana’s lines. No.
I feel the same about Uggs–an incredibly gross line that started with incredibly gross fake, fluffy boots that would be absolutely worthless in a real cold climate. I got a flyer from Uggs/Zappos in the mail just last week, featuring some smarmy looking toddlers sporting sparkly $150-$170 Uggs. So, if you have A) a crapload of disposable income and B) really want to make someone look stupid, get them these:
2. Have someone on your list who shops from the TV? May I introduce you to HSN’s Antthony Designs Originals, lovely, stretchy knitwear sold in sets, and for two easy payments.
3. How about some flavored vodka?
4. This is the ugliest fucking perfume bottle I have ever seen.
6. A $50 Gold Buffalo Tribute Proof coin for only $9.95.
7. Coffee that’s been through a cat’s ass.
8. If you have a streetwalker on your list, may I suggest a subscription to Shoe Dazzle? (yes, shoes again…)
9. Who couldn’t use some Preparation H?
Or you can give some DIY home kits. Whatever this December holds in store, your friends will meet it head-on with the knowledge that their buttholes are squeaky clean and camera-ready.