I am a rational person. As my friend said succinctly, when I asked him if he believed in God, “I believe in science.” Yes, science is the bestest friend a girl could ask for…it’s given me many, many gifts, such as the Internets, the Gardasil vaccination and the ability to fly away on a few days notice to sit somewhere topless on a tropical beach.
Thank you, Science.
However, I do have one little flaw when it comes to my love of all things logical and fact-based. I am addicted to reading horoscopes.
In fact, I am so addicted that I have about two or three different ones I reference and cross-check with the real-life happenings, although I believe the last time my horoscope was correct was 2005.
Today, for example, I’m scanning the week ahead. And my mind is always in the gutter. My love horoscope (I’m an Aquarius, by the way, so get those credit cards out to buy me a birthday present here pretty soon) said: “You’ll have energy to burn this weekend, and someone smoking hot will be involved in your plans.” But I read it to say, “Someone smoking hot will be involved in your pants.”
I think that sounds much better. In fact, maybe I can turn this unemployment into my own horoscope-writing business.
That said, here’s your Love Forecast for the week:
Capricorn: Don’t overlook the germ of truth in someone’s advice now. You should probably give anal a try.
Aquarius: You already know that you’re gonna be taking off pants, or getting into pants. Just don’t wear pants Saturday and Sunday to save some time.
Pisces: Your great love of water will lead to an unfortunate infection from a hot tub.
Aries: You should probably just give up on finding someone as hot or as good of a fuck as your ex.
Taurus: Your sign is home to so many bullheaded assholes, no one gives a shit what happens to you this week.
Gemini: Twins! Twins!
Cancer: There’s a growth. And it ain’t a good one.
Leo: You’re in the mood to explore some new territory. Dive into Craigslist and sort out that goat-dog-DDF-couple-from-Jamaica-Bay orgy. P.S. It’s your turn to bring the Doritos.
Virgo: You will finally, finally lose your virginity to a guy named Herb at Port Authority.
Libra: Goddamn, you are hot. And so fair and balanced that you talk your way into fucking BOTH of them.
Scorpio: She wants you to come on her face with no warning. Really this time.
Sagittarius: You’ll probably meet an Aquarius who wants you to take your pants off. Just do it.