Smoking Vagina

When you were a little kid, did your school ever take a field trip to one of those science-type museums? And was there a room devoted to things, unusual and terrible and surprising, that medical science had pulled out of people? Like nails out of their brains, screws out of their stomachs, or pieces of glass out of their intestines? Amazing, wasn’t it?

I am forever fascinated with people shoving objects where they don’t belong. So, when I get any sort of ER docs or nurses round about the table, I love asking, “What’s the worst thing you’ve seen someone shove up themselves?”

I believe most have seen everything. I’ve heard tools, bottles, sticks. The worst? “A lightbulb,” someone once told me. “A lightbulb? How the hell did they get that in there without breaking?” I marveled. Now that shows some super-careful attention to lubing and working-it-in detail, and for that I salute, even if it is an incredibly dumb choice to begin with.

I, myself, am no stranger to putting things where they don’t belong. This is one such story:

I was living with this crazy redhead who waited tables. Now, he was hyper-active, played videogames constantly, chain-smoked and dubbed me “Mrs. Tits” because my boobs got really big around PMS time. Anyway, not the most stable of guys, but he would come home with a vibrator for me from time to time, which got me thinking.

One Sunday night, I was just kicking it around the apartment, waiting for him to get off work. I think I was well into a bottle of red wine or a few G&Ts and watching “The Sopranos,” you know, typical Sunday night stuff. And I was smoking and smoking because when I lived with the chain-smoker that’s what we did. After a while, I got bored with the typical cig-to-mouth activity and put it in my nose. I smoked like this for a while. Then I thought, “Where else can I put this?”

Well, pants came off and I’m sitting in front of the TV, attempting to smoke with my vagina. This is much harder than it looks, and if you’ve ever seen a stripper and/or porn star do it, tip heartily, because that is a display of some powerful muscle action. Alas, I wasn’t getting very far with my project when the boyfriend walked in.

“What in the fuck are you doing, Mrs. Tits?” he asked, then started laughing.

“I’m trying to smoke with my vagina,” I said and kept right at it.

Anyway, a few more minutes of trying I got tired of that game and said fuck it. We either had sex that night or I passed out, I can’t remember, but I do know it’s a trick I haven’t tried since, though I’m always open to trying new stuff—except for lightbulbs. That shit could hurt.

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