Shit Johnny Says…

I visited my friend this weekend out in Long Island. She has this crazy friend, Johnny, who’s a pool guy out on the South Fork. Howard Stern’s crew of misfits got nothing on this guy. Imagine a 30-something man who chain-smokes cheap cigarettes and tells hilarious-yet-true yarns such as The Grown-up Boy Who Shits His Diapers, Losing My Pants in the Hamptons and Being a Caretaker for Peacocks.

For the first time, I actually grabbed a pen and jotted down some Johnny-isms down. Here goes:

• I need a new a best friend.
• I had the porno industry locked down at 13 in Riverhead. If you wanted to buy porno, you had to go through me.
• There’s nothing wrong with going to a prostitute.
• I’ve been cut off from society. Like that movie ‘Nell.’
• You gotta put a price on death and friendship. Four human fingers is what it costs to be my friend.
• I would kill someone for $100,000. (Ed note: Bargain alert: Johnny’s father said he’d kill someone for $400.)
• If I wanna go on TV and have an erect penis, I should have the damn right.

Oh, I wish I had more. I’m trying to convince Johnny to write a guest post for me. Chime in with the one you most want to hear and maybe he’ll oblige.

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