Shit I Say
Everyone loves “Overheard in New York” or “Texts From Last Night.” Well, get ready to add another one to the list: Shit I Say.
On clothes:
“This T-shirt is American Apparel. That means it’s made by sluts.”
On whether my beer is locally brewed and hence considered “sustainable”:
“Mine was pissed out by fairies in Ireland and delivered by unicorns ridden by Leprechauns.”
On dating:
Friend: “And that is why I’ll never date another guy from Philadelphia.”
Me: “That’s how I feel about adopted guys.”
On the news biz:
“The Times is like the Death Star, if it would’ve gotten halfway blown up, and half of them are missing arms and shit.”
On nerds drinking:
“That’s what happens when nerds drink.”
On I-have-no-fucking-idea-in-what-context-this-comment-came-from:
“You know what? I’m just gonna pee on that campfire…”
On my friend’s slutty friend:
“Did she make my T-shirt?”
On one of my exes upon telling me that he was fucking around:
“The first thought that popped into my mind: Thank God someone else is fucking you so I don’t have to anymore.”
Hey I want credit for having the wisdom to compile these on my IPhone notepad while completely hammered