Guys say the dumbest shit when you are getting it on. And while I appreciate the talk—you know, along the lines of “you’re so hot,” “you give the best blow jobs” and “you’re a great kisser,” there are things I don’t want to hear. Especially shit like “Are you on the pill? I really don’t like using condoms,” or “Oh, GAWD, I loved you so much” when I’m trying to have a perfectly decent one-night stand with no emotion attached whatsoever.

But there’s one thing that’s really not sexy-time conversation with someone you barely know—and that is “So, how many people have you slept with?”

Ack, the Numba!

Look, I fully acknowledge that Numbas are important. Hell, I love Numbas—I love betting on 33 at the roulette table, I love knowing when to double down—fuck, I get a sick satisfaction from balancing my checkbook. But I have no need to know your Numba unless we’re full-on dating—and by then, I’ll probably have eked everything out of you anyway due to my super-spy skills at getting people to spill their guts.

Besides, I would like for once to hear a solid number from a guy. “Oh, yeah, it’s in the 50s.” “I dunno, maybe 60?” Or my personal favorite, which seems to be the go-to gray area for every fucking guy in the universe, “It’s in the 30s somewhere. I don’t know for sure. I get around.”

Um, yes, 30s somewhere. I don’t know why you guys can’t count—or why you pretend not to know how. I know my exact Numba, and it is one of these which you will have to guess (and please do in comments below, there  might be a prize) and I’ll disclose it somewhere in a future column: 5, 14, 33, 47 or 67.

Here’s my other bitch about the Numbas. What counts? Personally, unless there is full penetration/fucking I don’t count a guy as a lay.

“What? You don’t count them?” Roommate Jim said one night while we were discussing the oral sex randoms ever so gently peppered throughout our lives.

“Nope, never,” I say. “Why should I be? Do you?”

“Anytime there is any sort of penis/vagina/mouth contact, I count it,” he says matter-of-factly.

“Really?” I say astounded by this turn of events. “’Cause if that’s true, my Numba just skyrocketed!”

So, as I lied in bed that night, I tried to remember all the folks who have gone down on me, like that Mormon during college, or who I have given head to…And then I tried to recalculate my Numba. My brain started to go all mushy, much like it did in August when I lived in Las Vegas, so I decided to give up. Even NASA couldn’t sort that shit out. My new ballpark Oral Sex Inclusive Numba: 12, 23, 35, 51 or 75.

So, I guess I can see where guys get their inflated, bullshit Numbas…and I kinda like it. Now that’s some fuzzy math I can get behind.

  • Category: Sex

7 Replies to “Numbas!”

  1. Interesting—I was just recently trying to pinpoint at what point I stopped counting… Which is dumb because my numba is probably still within the fingers + toes range. Then again, I also stopped balancing my checkbook circa 1997. Guess I’m just not a numbers person. Now, if there were a collection element involved, i.e. collecting a passport stamp or or an autograph or a hair specimen from every lay, I think I could get behind that. I’d pin each hair sample to a bulletin board, butterfly style, and label it in calligraphy…


  2. This would make a great story in Cosmopolitan. The cover line would be, “Make sure to lick the guy’s balls for a great blowjob.”


  3. I never know what to do with the one woman I’ve had sex with. I mean if i count her, I’d have to count all the guys I’ve had oral sex with too right? And then I would have the same problem you had.


  4. I laughed out loud (fuck those stupid acronyms) when reading this today because I used that “pill” line just last night. Thing is, I was fucking a whore — the real kind, you know? The ones who take your money. Wait, is that the real kind? Shit, I don’t know now. The world’s mores have changed a lot…

    Anyway, my question: Do whores, the really real kind, count?


  5. I slept with the same person for 6 years, which significantly slowed down my Numba acceleration. One of my New Year’s resolutions was to speed it back up. Safely, of course.


  6. It’s not hart to guess your number obviously its 5… second guess 33


  7. […] if whores count (yes, they do): “Anyway, my question: Do whores, the really real kind, […]


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