Holy, Shitballs! Am I Elite?

The other day, I was doing some research at work. You know, going through some studies of what qualifies as qualifying as “affluent” in this American life. And upon reading some of the factoids, I realized, gulp, that maybe, could I? Have I joined the affluent ranks of America?

Well, according to one study, if your combined household income is over $150K, then yes, you are considered “affluent.” Yet another one said $200K. I don’t know about you, but having a combined household income over $150K may get you pretty far—you know, above-ground pool and a leased Beemer—in fucking Alabama, but it’s not going to get you very far in any place that anyone actually wants to live, like say, on a coast.

To help us all figure out where we land in this new economy—even with a jobs report reporting a slight uptick for September—I have compiled a quiz that will let you know if your small-dog pampering, summer-house sharing, yoga-taking ass is considered closer to the 1 percent that we all despise. Get comfortable with your income bracket and get ready to enjoy the ‘Holy Shitballs! Am I Elite?’ quiz:

  1. Do you pay other people to exercise?

A. My exercise is getting out of the car when the drive-thru is shut down.
B. No, but I go outside and walk around a lot, like smug French people, and feel very pleased with myself while I’m doing this.
C. Yes, my home gym has awesome stuff like a sauna and elliptical.
D. Yes, I have a personal trainer who comes to my home/office three times a week to yell at me and tell me what to do.

  1. Do you have a person of a different nationality coming to your home to take care of your children?

A. Hell, no. A bag of Doritos and a TLC “Honey Boo Boo” marathon is all they fucking need.
B. No, they go to daycare, where they roll around in a disgusting, snotty pit with at least 30 other children, licking on one another all day.
C. Yes, she’s a lovely Jamaican woman, and she just loves my little angel!
D. Yes, I have six of them, two alternates on speed dial. And I am Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt.

  1. Do you only eat organic and/or locally sourced produce and food?

A. Taco Bell has all the vegetables I need.
B. No, I buy what’s on sale, but I try to eat mostly vegetables.
C. Yes, Whole Foods and my local farmer’s market is my Lord and Savior.
D. I don’t eat.

  1. Do you regularly use/consume any of the following?

A. Pampers/Pepsi
B. Soy milk/Raisin Bran
C. Cocunut Water/Sushi
D. Cristal/Starbucks

  1. Who are you voting for in this presidential election?

A. Mitt Romney
B. Barack Obama
C. Do I vote?
D. Mitt Romney

  1. How do you get around?

A. 1996 Hyundai
B. 1986 Volvo
C. 2013 Beemer
D. Black Escalades

  1. The last time I was on a bike…

A. I never had no bike.
B. Within the last hour.
C. Last weekend’s Sonoma Wine Country ride, of course!
D. That is so cute.

  1. I tend to have sex with…

A. Cousins
B. My soulmate, who embodies every one of my hopes, wishes, dreams and desires. We even made an extended video of our tender relationship and put it on YouTube for the world to see and feel bad for you because you are not as in love as we are.
C. Secretaries, neighbors, wife’s best friend and her daughter.
D. Those I pay.

  1. The last splurge I spent money on was…

A. The soft toilet paper—Charmin!
B. An organic farm share with my friends.
C. An Omega watch, because I deserve it.
D. A Namibian orgy fuckfest.

  1. Do you consider yourself a 99-percenter? Or one-percenter?

A. Neither. That Occupy stuff was some pussy, liberal-arts college kid shit.
B. The 99 percent, of course, but you know, I can still feed myself and buy a six-pack of microbrews whenever I want.
C. 99 percent. I’m tired of Obama saying he’ll raise taxes on those who make more than $250K a year. I had to sell my second home last year!
D. One percent? Please. Try the .000001 percent.

Mostly A’s. If the thought of New York City’s over 16 ounces drink ban infuriates your very being and you consider it an infringement on your rights, then you are an A.

Mostly B’s. Eh, you are so middle class, toiling away in some supposed “professional” desk job with stagnant wages and shrinking benefits. Good luck paying back your student loans, asshole! Or, that’s what Mitt Romney’s brain is thinking as he stares out at you and your sad little protest sign.

Mostly C’s. Congratulations. You are a yuppie douche and probably have your own show on Bravo.

Mostly D’s. You are either the head of your own tech startup and make millions of dollars hand over fist. Or you are a celebrity. Or Mitt Romney. However you made your money, of course, is your business. But you are indeed elite and very much part of the problem.

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